Emergency Earthquake Meals - Dollar Tree Edition

The Cheapest Chef has been shaken but not stirred! With 2 earthquakes near Los Angeles over the span of a couple days and whose epicenter was an hour and a half away in Ridgecrest, California -- and the last one was a magnitude 7.1.

After being thrown around in this giant bouncy room of a city the Wobbly Chef made his way to the local Dollar Tree to replenish his Earthquake Survival Kit with foodstuffs of the thrifty variety.

And boy did I find what I was looking for. Hey, when the big one hits I want to be able to get 3 squares a day when the city shuts down and I'm stranded because of collapsed freeways.

This is a Public Service Message is for cheap$kates only, so the rest of you can take the Seismic Chef's meal deals with a grain of salt. Let's just say I combine the good, the bad and the ugly all into one blog post !

If you have trained in the military, the following dining tips will go down good as all the mess kit contents are unrefrigerated and ready to eat -- while some are made more palatable with short heating times

And as a caution make sure gas lines are not broken in your vicinity, as I describe cooking with a small flame below.

Now, not all Dollar Trees are stocked the same. When I visit Louisiana they sell items for more than a buck as these stores are closer to a generic convenience store, but there are still plenty of dollar deals to be found. And impulsive shopping is fine for foodstuffs too good to be true -- because they may be gone tomorrow, so stock up!

And read on future cataclysmic survivors, Judgement Day and Rapture awaiters, Global Warmers, Illuminati enthusiasts, New World Order bunker builders, and especially my visitors from other States with their own environmental calamities, like tornadoes, flooding, drought, and hurricanes.

Morning Beverages
When you awaken after being knocked out by that poster or painting hanging over the bed headboard, weave your way to the nearest Earthquake Kit and make a cup of coffee to help clear your head!

Click on any photo to see larger.

I've found ground and instant coffees at the Dollar Tree. I think a jar of instant coffee will last longer and lose less taste. Just add to a cup of warm water and stir (keep reading further below for my ingenious heating method using Canned Heat or Sterno.)

Before I became an internet chef, way back in the day, I used to drink instant coffee. I know, how lame, but this was way before Starbucks when Folgers and Maxwell House were king. So after devastation, drastic measures are needed. -- damn the taste, I want my caffeine.

A cup of Stormtrooper - May the Force be caffeinated!

For you tea drinker there are plenty of boxes out there. I'm sure you could just set a bag in a cup of water in the sun and in an hour it would be ready to drink. In the South, we call this Sun Tea.

My local Dollar Tree sells milk and soy milk in a box and they are unrefrigerated! When you open them use plenty in your coffee, tea, oatmeal or breakfast cereal - once opened the milk and soy milk will go sour without refrigeration.

A great breakfast (or anytime) addition are single serving 100% Juice Packets. I found small Orange and Apple Juice Boxes with straws included.

As you move wheelbarrows full of debris drink plenty of water. Most dollar or 99 cent stores carry plastic bottles of water, single serving 6-packs or larger half gallon jugs. So do stock up with these.

Health authorities commonly recommend eight 8-ounce glasses of per day, which equals about 2 liters, or half a gallon. This is called the 8×8 rule and is very easy to remember? I probably drink half this amount as morning coffee, and later an evening beer help fulfill that quota.


Breakfast
Let's start the day with something light to eat. If you were rattled in the morning, then a light breakfast may be in order. I enjoy dipping Italian-style Biscotti with Almonds in my French Vanilla Cappuccino.

And your traumatized digestive system may need a jumpstart, so take a slug or two of Prune Juice.

Breakfast Pop-Ups (Pop-Tarts) are usually precooked pastries with frosting and filled with jam, so you don't need to toast these. And a bowl of Capt'n Crunch will supply all the sugar energy I need to get through a cataclysmic day. And double that fructose dose by serving cereal drenched in Chocolate Milk!

Of course, use any healthy Granola or dried low sugar Cereal you like. And there's always Instant Oatmeal served with or without milk. I do like to add dried cranberries or raisins to mine.

Canned Heat
Many foodstuffs on the shelf taste better heated. My Dollar Tree sells small cans of Fancy Heat for warming small amounts of food or liquids - you often see these tins lit under metal chafing dishes of food in the buffet line or at a fondue party. One lit can warms up a cup of coffee or tea in a ceramic cup quite quickly. Of course, be careful heating up small items as they can get too hot to handle!

I made a small Homemade Grill using a metal grilling rack balanced on a couple of small bricks, or you can build your own heating unit. Place one or two Canned Heat tins under the grill and light the wick(s) with a lighter or match. And this grill can be built almost anywhere even on the ground if the aftershocks are coming fast and close together.

I guess in a pinch a couple tealight candles would work as well if you can hold the cup of coffee over the flame long enough!

With a small cooking pot, you can heat up almost anything. Now you don't need to bring canned or packaged foodstuffs like beans, veggies, chili or canned pasta up to a high temperature,  just let it heat up enough to warm through.

This Homemade Grill is best used out of the wind as the canned heat flame is small and blows around easily, thus making heating less effective.

When cooking with canned foodstuffs, I've read they can spoil if stored in the sun, so keep them in the shade!

This setup will also work well for Instant Oatmeal and small cuts of Pasta (macaroni, bow tie, etc.)  or Ramen Noodles.

Disaster relief - soothing Mac & Cheese.

I would break spaghetti and ramen into smaller sizes for quicker cooking. Cover pasta with an inch of water. When the water reaches a medium hot you can soak pasta/ramen covered for half an hour and it will tenderize. Hey, I like pasta al dente so mine will be ready quicker, ha!

Now, if you have a BBQ  gas grill or a camping stove that wasn't crushed in the garage where it is stored, then you've got it made!

After cooking, canned food is difficult to tell when it goes bad, so use quickly within 20 minutes. Try to keep all prepared food covered and in the shade. There is no surefire method to tell when cooked and opened items are spoiled after laying about for half an hour, so if in doubt, throw out!

For more details using Canned Heat safely just click here. And here is an interesting link and tread about cooking with Chafing Dishes or cooking Buffet-style that talks about safety, cooking times, etc.

My above method is for cooking stovetop style, not about keeping food hot for long periods of time, like at a Buffet.

Snacks
Small Fruit Cups, packages of Nuts, and a Granola Bar or two are light and quick energy boosters, so you can start picking up all the objects that have shaken off your shelves.

Crackers and Rice Cakes keep long and single-serving Flavored Tuna, or small cans of Mystery Meats, like Vienna Sausage, Spam and Potted Meat are simple and quick to assemble.

Sometimes I need me Louisiana Hot Sauce, yea !

Chips and Dips are an indulgence, but you might as well go for it, hey what do you have to lose after you've lost everything?

Lunch & Dinner Meals
Temp your frightened feline friend back home by setting out an open can of Chicken, Turkey or Tuna.  And these do double duty when made into a spreadable Salad on a Saltine. The protein is cheap enough and carried at any discount or local grocer. Mayo and sweet or regular pickle relish come in small unrefrigerated jars so you can chow-down on a stack of Chicken or Tuna Salad on Crackers. Tuna in oil can be heated like this soldier does it -- his pretty wild way is setting it on fire as described right here.

 My Loaded Tuna Salad recipe text with photos is a click away here (okay to add or subtract ingredients on hand.) And here's the yummy video.



After stanching the bleeding of your loved one's wounds, clean up and prepare them a Mexican Lunch!

Mmmm, how I love Tamales. They are plump packages of deliciousness and I have my local fave here in L.A called Tamales Alberto. So how does Hormel Tamales in the can stack up? Well, let's just say smother them in plenty of Pace Picante Sauce!

If the earth shakes on Taco Tuesday and your local fast food Mexican joint is jolted into closure, I have a cheap$kate alternative -- those folded hard Corn Tortillas sold in a box! They store well and taste like Taco Bell crunchy corn tacos.

If you can heat up a can of Refried Beans, a couple tablespoons will fit snuggly into the hard corn Taco Shell. Add some flakes of White Meat Chicken from the can. And finally, top with Cheese Sauce and Salsa...yummy! This hardy Happy Hour meal will help put your wounded spouse or roommate on the road to a quick recovery.

Hamburger Helper? No, it's Tuna Helper.

The whole family loves Pizza, right? I found enough budget ingredients to feed your brood --including pre-cooked single serve Pizza Crusts! You can coax them out from under the sheets, or if they are hiding under the bed, with this fast-food favorite.

So what does your picky kid like on her's? Hmmm, how about Pepperoni with Cheese Product and a little Pizza Sauce? 

Or maybe they're a vegan-in-training so Black Olives or Mushrooms instead of Pepperoni? Well go ahead and mix and match!

Did you grow up with Chef Boyardee packed in your school lunch? Well, then it's time to become reacquainted with this meal-in-a-can. Add some black olives or mushrooms from the can or jar to make the meal more palatable.

Before you turn in for a cold night under a tarp because your home has been leveled or flagged uninhabitable, a warm supper is in order. Just fire up the homemade grill and open canned meals like Chicken and Dumplings, Beans & Franks or Beef Stew.

Desserts
Desserts are always appreciated as you psychologically recover after an apocalypse.

I love me some Moon Pies. Or how about European Cookies with a smear of Cake Frosting and Sprinkles?

Nutella, you had me at Pretzel.

Local Los Angeles dessert legend Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies are always a welcome treat!

And these imitation Twinkies will last until any end-of-times scenario, plus they double as pillows!

If you have any wood splints left after setting your neighbor's broken bones you can use the lumber to build a fire and roast a few Marshmallows...yum!

Another sweet smelling headrest.

Vegan and Vegetarian
I haven't forgotten my vegan or vegetarian friends, even after being knocked out by the overhead ceiling fan! Dollar Tree sells plenty of Canned Veggies and some specialty appetizers like Peppers Stuffed with Cream Cheese in Oil.

Let's get a little chic amongst the rubble and dust off the white tablecloth and dig out a couple of candles to light up a makeshift table made from the collapsed front door hanging by a hinge, and dine on a Pasta entree featuring imported Potato Gnocchi and Pomi Chopped Tomatoes, both from Italy.

This posh meal is served with Red Peppers, Genovese Sauce (basil pesto) and finished with Grated Topping. No gratuity is necessary for this Uptown Chef, but thanks anyway!

Can Opener Cuisine is the easiest way to go. Soups in tins come in all types, vegan, vegetarian and good old fashioned Chicken Soup.

The Andy Warhol Diet

Soups On!

After your meal just relax with a cheap small airline bottle of Wine or a warm (European serving style) can of Beer with Beer Nuts.

Well, don't sweat the small stuff at this point, you are still alive and kicking, right?

On the serious side, my meal ideas can be adapted to your favorite grocery market, including Whole Foods, Ralphs or any chain, neighborhood and ethnic markets.

I've seen healthy soups in boxes, organic canned goods, and breakfast cereals low in sugar. Make your own Earthquake Kit to suit your and your families dietary needs.  

So when nature turns toxic and before disaster stikes, take a few of the above tips from the Good Samaritan Chef and be sure to stock up the cheap$kate way!

Only the trauma of an earthquake would cause me try this hot mess!