The Greatest Conspiracy Theory - The British are Coming! The British are Coming!

Queerier than QAnon, dippier than the Deep State, and more slipshod than Stop the Steal, my conspiracy theory Trumps 'em all, and it's 99.99% accurate like all the rest of fake news. The knuckleheaded 99c News Team had dug deep and uncovered the Greatest Conspiracy Theory of All Time.

As usual, it's the .01% that are the real troublemakers. The question is what side of the fringe are you?

I seldom get political, but I couldn't resist the headlines of the last couple of weeks. You may want to stop here if you are a Trump fan because I can't help but pull his chain a bit in my satirical blog post that follows. But I do try stirring in food humor -- sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

Breakfast in America - coffee, whole-grain toast with lingonberry jam, egg & shiitake mushroom scramble, and sweet potato.

First off, the Election was manipulated by the Deep State and rigged Election Voting Machines, duh!  But it's Hollywood that really was the Wizard of Election Fraud, I mean, Oz. Living in Los Angeles I have the inside scoop: Hollywood has been taken over by British Actors who have our regional American accents down pat, sooo...the 2020 Election was a British Coup! Yes, it's the Revolutionary War 2.0

The first Prime Minister of America - Boris Johnson?

Think about it: England has been waiting for over 225 years to reclaim the colonies, and thanks to their presidential plant, Donald J. Trump, they have finally won. Trump was brainwashed by Hollywood British Producers (aka Secret Service MI6) during his The Apprentice years!

Hello to our new National Dish - Beans on Toast 

Goodbye Big Mac

You see, the United Kingdom wanted someone divisive like Trump to put one political party in the driver's seat of government, so Donald J. Trump really did Make American Great Again...for Merrie Old Englande, that is.

Five years ago it was a cyber-invasion by the Russians -- for this Election, the British are Coming in disguise...for us! 

Having Hair Trigger Trump in the White House was a disaster in the making, and his bungled handling of the Coronavirus has put President-Elect Joe Biden in the driver's seat for the foreseeable future. 

Of course, Democrats keeping control of the House of Representatives was a forgone conclusion, but with Trump in charge, he gave the Dems the Senate too! 

And he quashed the Republican's final stab at sabotaging the Electoral College by sending in the clowns or disguised British Insurgents, to lay waste to parts of the Capitol Building in their final gleeful insult to our Republic, just like British soldiers did in August of 1814 when they looted and burned the White House to the ground.

Click on any photo to see larger.

As proof, what American in his right mind (Antifa, much less the Proud Boys) would be barechested with a face painted like Mel Gibson's Braveheart, wearing a horned fur helmet, and carrying the American Flag attached to a spear? Only the selfie-taking, overheated, clichéd imagination of a British B-actor would show up in this costume.

And, the result of the Capitol insurrection was that the Electoral College Count was completed in less than 24 hours, thanks to Benedict Arnold Trump -- God Save the Queen!

President Trump   =   Benedict Arnold     

So stay tuned and watch President-Elect Joe Biden with VP Kamala Harris steer the ship of state right into the arms of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson...you'll see. 

And once Britannia rules America will the Big Mac be forced to come topped with Beans?

This treasonist pillage of America's greatest fast-food burger will not stand!

Give me Big Mac without Beans or

give me Death!

Shepherd's Pie

This International  Poor Man's Chef brings a traditional English dish from across the pond to these cheapskate shores -- a hearty Shepherd's Pie that will leave you gobsmacked. Also called a Cottage Pie (when using ground meat,) it's a thick top crust of squidgy (mashed) potatoes covering a rich beef sauce loaded with carrots, onion, peas, and ground poultry. You may think I'm off my trolley,  but I guarantee you will be begging for seconds!

This one-pot meal is the Mutt's and absolutely fabulous on a cloudy and parky winter's day. Plus it's cheap, just the way this threepenny bit pinching bloke likes it. You could even bring this as a potluck dish to your next do.

I'm not codswalloping when I say it's really so easy peasy to do: just saute some ground meat, onion, carrots, and green peas, then add a cracking rich broth of beef stock and tomato paste flavored with Worcestershire sauce. This luscious filling is thick like a chicken pot pie. You finish it with a topping of your favorite mashed potato recipe, bake for half an hour, and Bob's your uncle!

A traditional Shepherd's Pie is made with any leftover meat, usually lamb. I keep my recipe low fat using ground turkey or chicken, instead of typical fatty ground beef and hard-to-get, expensive lamb -- but don't worry it's still scrummy.

And the ingredients couldn't be cheaper, right? I always find ground turkey and chicken at my local 99c only Store, while a regular market carries frozen tubes of it in deli cases for just over a buck. You can't get cheaper than onions, carrots and potatoes. The most expensive ingredient is frozen green peas, but you will barely use half a package.

There's more to British food than popular Fish and Chips (of course I have my own recipe version here) -- so, if you fancy, do give my latest entree a butcher's hook. You will happily devour The 99 Cent Chef's savory Shepherd's Pie, it's the bees' knees.

Cheers!

Click here to translate all the italicized British slang that I used.

Ingredients (about 4 - 6 servings)

• 1 pound ground turkey or chicken - okay to use ground beef.
• 6 medium potatoes - about 1 1/2 cups when mashed. I used Russet, but any cheap type will do.
  
• 1 cup carrots - roughly chopped
• 1 cup frozen peas - thawed. Canned peas are too mushy, but go ahead and use a drained can if that's all you've got.
• 1 medium yellow or white onion - chopped
• 2 tablespoons of tomato paste - If you use tomato sauce, about 1/2 cup.
• 2 tablespoons of  Worcestershire sauce.
• 2 cups of beef stock - or one dissolved bouillon cube in 2 cups of water. Okay to use any favorite stock.
• 1 tablespoon of oil - to saute veggies.
• 2 tablespoons of flour - to thicken the sauce.
• 3/4 cup of milk - to make mashed potatoes. Use your favorite recipe. Add butter if you want.
• Salt and pepper to taste. You can leave out the salt if you use a salty bouillon cube.
• Water to cover and boil potatoes.

Directions
Start potatoes boiling. Should take about 1/2 hour, depending on how large they are. Done when a fork pierces the potato easily.

Over medium heat add tablespoon of oil in a large pan. Next, add the chopped onion and carrots. Stir and saute until onion is tender, about 5 minutes.

Scoop in the ground turkey or chicken. Spread out in the pan and allow to cook for a few minutes to firm it up. Break up the ground meat into chunks. Mix well and cook the meat until done, about 7 to 10 minutes.

Now time to make the sauce. Add tomato paste (or tomato sauce,) Worcestershire sauce, flour, and stock (or water with dissolved beef bouillon cube) to saute veggies and meat. Mix well to dissolve the flour. Cook until sauce thickens like gravy, about 5 minutes. Add defrosted peas at the last minute.

While the sauce thickens, the potatoes should be done. Cool off with cold water and peel them. (Of course, you could peel the potatoes first.) Add the peeled potatoes to a large bowl add 3/4 cup of milk and season with salt and pepper. Mash it all together. You should get about 1 1/2 cups to 2 cups of mashed potatoes. If you have a favorite mashed potato recipe then use that.

Now time to assemble it all. In a deep baking dish (or two, depending on how large the dish is) add the meat and veggie filling - don't fill it up all the way, leave about an inch of clearance. Now spoon on the mashed potatoes to cover the top of the meat and veggie filling. You can carefully smooth out the mashed potatoes to cover the top.

Place the uncovered dish of Shepherd's Pie in a preheated 350-degree oven for about 30 minutes. You may want to place a large cookie sheet pan underneath the dish in case some of the filling bubbles out.

Remove from oven and allow to cool down for a few minutes, this will allow the sauce to thicken. Ready to eat after about 3-5 minutes.

 

Hindsight

For a more diet-friendly and healthier topping (I know spuds are too carb-heavy for some) try boiled or microwaved sweet potatoes. You could use steamed and mashed cauliflower, squash (butternut or acorn,) carrots, pumpkin, turnips, or any favorite veggie that you can mash.

You could also substitute green peas with shelled edamame (soybeans) or green beans. Sometimes, I'll add a few sauteed sliced mushrooms.

Instead of peas and carrots, you can just use a bag of your favorite frozen veggie blend. For frozen veggies, defrost first and add while you are heating the sauce (after the meat is done.)

If you like a saucy filling, then add more stock - you may need a larger (or an extra) baking dish or pot.

99 Cent Fish & Chips - Video Short

The mark of a good British Pub is its fish and chips -- bar food at its best, indeed. I would have preferred to shoot this video in a noisy, blurry, soccer-caring, dart-throwing environment, but all that Guinness on tap would have been a debilitating distraction, so it's back into The 99 Cent Chef's kitchen.


99c only Stores often carry frozen Alaskan pollock that is perfect for frying. While the fillets are not as thick and meaty as Ye Old Kings Head's fried fish fillets, they hold up quite well and are firm and flaky.

I use fresh russet potatoes instead of the typical frozen packaged french fry, although frozen french fries are sold at 99c only Stores. Of special note in the video is the Chef's "double" frying method for the chips, resulting in an extra crispy skin with a fluffy center.

Allow the Chef to throw his Bowler hat into the ring and give this pub fare classic a go. Give the Chef's video a butcher's hook, as his recipe is the bee's knees and quite easy peasy to prepare.

British colloquialisms are translated here.

Fish & Chips Video

Play it here. The video runs 6 minutes, 58 seconds.

Ingredients (serves 2)

• 2 - 8 oz. 99-cent packages of Alaskan pollock fish
• 3 - 4 cups vegetable oil, for deep frying
• 1 1/2 cups flour
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 3/4 cup of PBR (12-ounce can or bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer) or bubbly water.
• 1 egg
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 4 - 6 russet potatoes - sliced for French fries.

Tartar Sauce for Fish   

• 1 cup mayonnaise   
• 1/4 cup pickle relish
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice
• 1/2 teaspoon horseradish

*Malt Vinegar is a traditional accompaniment for Fish & Chips.

Directions for Chips
Heat oil to medium/high (375 degrees). Slice potatoes about finger size. Fry the chips for 2 to 3 minutes in batches if needed (fully submerge fries); they should not be crisp or fully cooked at this point. 

Remove the chips to a paper towel-lined platter to drain. Kick back with a PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) while the fries cool for 5 minutes. 

The fries are now ready for fry number two. Make sure the oil is hot again, test out one french fry to see that the oil bubbles when a fry is added. 

Add half of the fries, leaving some room on top for the fish. The fries should cook for a couple of minutes before you add the battered fish.
 
Directions for Fish

Drain and kitchen towel dry defrosted pollock fish pieces. 

In a mixing bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, salt and pepper, a lightly beaten egg, and 99 cent Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (or your favorite beer.) 

Whisk to a smooth pancake-like batter. 

Dredge one serving of fish pieces into the batter, letting the excess drip off. 

Carefully lower the battered fish on top of the frying chips. Fry the fish and chips for 4 to 5 minutes until crispy and brown. 

Okay to fry fish separately from chips (fries).

Drain and serve on your recently read local newspaper (the British street food way) or serve on a plate.

 
To embed or view the Chef's video from youtube, click here.